If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.