If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?