Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

boat question

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room