If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.