If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner