If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: