If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.


Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.


Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do


I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.


[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall


Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.


Her: No, sorry…

Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.


you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy


[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers

[gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb