If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
