Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

My spirit animal is fried chicken