If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Otters see a butterfly.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you