Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

me when i see my girls butt

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Covid like

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent