Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.