If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
![]()
You Might Also Like
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s![]()
![]()
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”![]()
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.