If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
got so much cardio in today
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro