If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
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coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The government even made aliens boring
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?