If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
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I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My plans: 2020:
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in