Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in