Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Hot Hot Hot

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.