Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet