Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game