If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that