If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Day 2 of my diet
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either