If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
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My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
how DARE
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!