If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
much to think about
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Close call…
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.