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@Scdavis24

Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats

@CommonSavant

*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@NicestHippo

[high school sex ed class]
*scoffs*
When are we ever going to use this in real life

@junejuly12

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

@toastymoe

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@Parkerlawyer

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.