If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective