If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Wow 🤣
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.