If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*