Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.