Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Best spoiler warning ever

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.