If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I just love that new Pope smell.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.