If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Erm…
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.