If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing