Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

🐟✨ #re4

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

I have two kinds of followers

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.