If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
He has no idea 🤡
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
i wish we could shoplift online
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?