Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

i’m sure it’s fine

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.