Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

I’m already scared

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun