Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw online –

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

#MeanwhileinCanada

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Vodka burrito was a success

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

X-tra spooky blend

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!