@markydoodoo

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

@BlueOnBlack72

I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.

@BoomBoomBetty

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

@TheHyyyype

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@PeaceInTruth1

I’ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”