Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this