Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Attacked by a mop.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
IT’S-A ME,
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day