If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I ain’t wearing no wire
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
j o i m p
