If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Covid like
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true