I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.
There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
*Puts on dragon costume
*Waits in bushes
i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade
“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision