@bridger_w

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

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@WheelTod

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@AndyRichter

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@RobElliottComic

When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”

*Puts on dragon costume

*Waits in bushes

@gossiped

i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade

@ruinedpicnic

“Sorry but It’s me or the label maker.”
[takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt]
“Thank y-”
[sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]

@Bearslietoo

There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.

@MelvinofYork

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision