If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I love twitter
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Ironic
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”