If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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I have two kinds of followers
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus