If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
😅😅😅
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*