If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
You Might Also Like
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
can I use a minion as a tampon
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Money is the root of all wealth
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
