If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
oh u like geography? name every lake
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.