If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Yup….perfect score!
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
True story 🤣
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”