Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.