If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.