If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
i actually laughed 😩
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating