If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*