If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
best first i’ve ever seen