if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You Might Also Like
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.