if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
I was bored.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
this was the best i’ve ever seen