if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
This meeting could have been a cake
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Only you can prevent podcasts
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”