if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
This took me a second..
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”