My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
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[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
also my go-to takeaway order
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.