Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*