@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

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@ThugRaccoons

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@droidbears

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

@NervousJr

Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

@robfee

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*