Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10