If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
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My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
THE DOG😭😭💀
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone