Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

I just love that new Pope smell.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*