If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
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my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.