Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

me hooking up with my ex

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too