If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
