If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
A completely valid reaction tbh
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
#MeanwhileInCanada
When you take Google Maps too seriously.