@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

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@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

@OllyiConic

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

@Cheeseboy22

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

@Marlebean

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

@Kyle_Raney

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

@Vodkantots

*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles

I FOUND THEM!!

@TheHyyyype

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@Staggfilms

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman