If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.


ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?


There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.


My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.


society: mothers get their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: they get a whole week


If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”


facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks


if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions