My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”
*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles
I FOUND THEM!!
website: select a security question
website: make of first car
website: mother’s maiden name
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
So inspired right now.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering