Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?