Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me: