If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
That de-escalated quickly
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: