Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

fr

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.