If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Lol #dogsoftwitter
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Follow me for more fitness tips.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time