If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast