If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I am HOWLING at this
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.