If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
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My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Lmao 😁
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.